Yes, it’s good to know that there are still people out there who hates me. This means that I’m doing something that is right I suppose, and considering how eloquent what I found below is, I thought: “why not share it?”. Behold, the best thing I’ve found so far about myself on the inter webs, courtesy of ” The Bull and The Shit” what I’m wondering is…would this person (whose blog is based in the UK), attack me if he met me in person, or pretend to be civil??? hmmm….anyway….I’m still laughing at his entry…..
“The Commander-In-Chief, huh? What in the FUCK?!
Sometimes in the evenings when I sit here by the lake after a day of war with them damn cowboys, I need to chill the fuck down and gather my spirits, talk a bit to Manitou and just be… on my Indian lonesome. It’s at times like these I use YouTube to find music that can relax me and heal me up, so I will be prepared for tomorrow’s battles. And the battles after tomorrow… and so on…
At times these moments of relief fuck up… big fucking time.
We’re there now. All thanx to some absolute idiot calling herself The-Commander-In-Chief. Yes, it’s a girl. Obviously she’s… eh… Norwegian… wherever that fucking country is. Her birth name is Berit Hagen, which sounds just as ridiculous as her “artistic” name. Oh, Wikipedia tells me she has lived in several other countries too… the USA and the UK. She speaks several languages fluently, including Norwegian, English, Italian, and French. When she lived in Chicago she took lessons in visual art with the established artist Linda Cohn (eh… who exactly is that and where the fuck is she established?). Berit started playing the guitar in 2005, at the age of 16, which makes her about 25 or so today since she’s born 3 years after “Reign in blood” was released. I was never good at math, but I do know how to shoot some arrows.
The world biggest metal magazine Metal Hammer has called her The Queen Of Shred (which I call bullshit on right away coz we all know that title belongs to The Terrible Great Kat) and has proclaimed her one of the world’s ten most exciting metal guitarists (seeeeeeeeeeeeeriously… You must be shitting me so much I need a diaper endorsement). Ron “Bumblepenis” Thal of Guns N’ Roses has said about her that “She is a great talent with proper metal spirit”. This Ron fucko is definitely sleeping with her. He might even be her husband. They are probably brother and sister as well. Deliverance vibes de luxe.
Total Guitar Magazine said this:
“It’s a sad fact that when you think of shred guitarists, the majority of them will be men. Enter The Commander-In-Chief, a seven-string wielding uber shredding female who’s ready to melt faces and shatter stereotypes. This Norwegian Metal maiden has her eyes set to command and conquer the masses.”
“It’s a sad fact”? As in… sad? You shitting me again?! Exactly what is so fucking sad about the fact that the best guitarists in the world are men? Men are better guitarists, period. Simple as that. It’s in our DNA. Just like women will always be better at… better at… hmm… they will always be better at…. being women. Yeah, that’s it. They will always dominate that shit. Oh, and they will always be better singers. For fucking sure. There’s a lot of things women will always be better than men at. Let’s just say that guitar playing will never be one of them things. Let’s call a spade a spade and not a goddamn horse, ok?
If this “Norwegian Metal maiden” will ever “command and conquer the masses” I am scalping myself. With a caterpillar. I’ll ask my canoeing brother Smelly Beaver to assist me so the job gets done properly.
But wait, there’s more about this fucking chick:
“She is an official Ibanez guitar artist. She has been using the Ibanez RG7620, but is currently playing the Ibanez S5527 Prestige guitar. She is, however, best known for playing the prototype Ibanez Falchion 7 string guitar, the only instrument of its kind in the world.”
It pains me. She’s an official Ibanez guitartist (see what I did there?). I don’t even know what they mean with that “only instrument of its kind” comment, but hey – I’m but an old Indian warrior. The Falchion is an abomination though, that’s for sure. Ibanez manufacture the best guitars in the world (I know this becoz I play them exclusively, thank you very much). Also, this:
“When performing, she is always dressed in a uniform, reflecting her chosen artist name, The Commander-In-Chief.”
She can dress up in a fucken dildo for all I care, coz what it comes down to is: is she any fucken good? I’ll give you the dubious pleasure of finding that out just now:
You still alive?
Is the world still around?
Did we survive that amazing display of BUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLSHIIIIIIIIITTTTT?!?!?!
Those are the only questions I have, pretty much. This fucking shit sickens me. It’s like Ebola all over again (what in the fuck do you mean it never left in the first place? Shut up), only this time in female form with a fucking guitar on her tits. And that’s some seriously fucken hideous guitar, people. I bet a cowboy designed it just before burning down some tipis. Fucking bastard.
This QUEEN OF SHRED (shoot me now) gets recognition becoz of 2 reasons. Or 3, I haven’t decided yet:
She’s a girl who plays guitar better than her girlfriends and some guys who suck. Big deal.
She’s not looking like a ton of shitting bricks just hit and shit her in the face.
She wears a uniform.
She could afford to make a video. Or five.
Men are pigs. Sexist pigs. Fuck all of us. Fucking assholes, we are.
That’s more than 2 reasons, and I could go on forever, but you get my point. And hey, you know what? Considering the talent and gift this one has, are you even surprised that she’s been nominated for “Best Metal Song 2011” by Hollywood Music In Media Awards as well as nominated for “Best Metal Song 2012” by the same thing?
I just threw up a little in my mouth, so here’s a few more videos for you while I clean up my shit:
And of course she sings too, and this I don’t mind:
And without studio trickery it sounds as displayed in this high energetic performance from 2012:
What in the holiest of FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS is the world coming to? Let me just say one more thing… She is also the author and illustrator of the children’s book, “The Freezing Snowman,” which is her first book. I bet it’s amazing.
Fuck you, Commander In Chief. Try to command this, you twat:
Now, fuck you again, Commander-In-Shit. (BOOYA!!!!)”